The Heavy Chronicles: The Vent
I just weighed myself on my bathroom scale and am a whopping 95kg. If you know how short I am, then yes, you probably know that according to the BMI calculator, I am what is described as overly obese. Heavy.
I grew up as an underweight little girl; if we wanted to continue relying on the BMI calculator, that is. I remember trying to donate blood at one point, and I was flat-out denied because I did not meet the minimum weight requirement - that's how skinny I was. I started to put on some visible weight when I officially started flirting with depression in my early 20s. However, it was not a cause for concern or anything that made me uncomfortable. Let's go back to when things started to change - when the scale stopped reading numbers and only produced the word FAT.
Like many people, the covid 19 lockdown left me with a few extra kilos. But before we dive deep into the kilos, it would be unfair of me not to acknowledge what a blessing in disguise the pandemic was for me—those five weeks stuck in the house, not able to do much, pushed me to stop sleeping on myself. I decided to continue my psychology studies, which I had briefly paused. I also decided to transition out of my underwriting career in insurance to look for opportunities in spaces that focused on work that I deem meaningful. I managed to secure a position in the non-profit sector and started to travel regularly. Due to the nature of my work, I was forced to dine on fast food and could not establish healthy lifestyle routines because of the unpredictable schedule. Naturally, chubby cheeks and thick thighs followed.
On my 27th birthday in 2021, it started to hit that I was no longer my petite self. None of my pants fit, and my bras were all too small. My body was transforming in a way I had never seen before. I thought changing my habits would help, so when I transitioned from being on the road all the time and joining another fantastic organisation where I primarily worked from home, I thought I could easily lose weight. Little did I know that my good old friend Depression was going to knock on the door and, this time, stick for a little while before leaving again. The motivation to get up and leave the house was far from a realisable dream. When Depression realised, he had overstayed his welcome, little did he know that my recovery from his visit would involve a lot of weight gain.
We are at the end of 2022, and my bigger clothes decide that they want to join the rest of my wardrobe. Ever had a full wardrobe but had nothing to wear? That's my life. I work out every day, eat takeaways, and drink my water. I ensure I am consistent and only cheated when I was PMSng. What was my body's response? Not giving the girl what she wants.
Yes, I have consulted with my doctor, ran millions of blood work and tried every option within reach (or at least I think so). Beyond looking at myself in the mirror and feeling uncomfortable, trying on my favourite clothes and them not fitting, and taking pictures and feeling disgusted at how I look, the comments from those who knew my previous body get to me the most. "What are you eating?", "Why have you let yourself go?", "Have you seen how big you look?". Yes, I have seen how I look. It's important to remember that everyone's journey with their body and health is unique, and making negative comments or judgments about others' appearance is not productive or helpful.
PS: If you struggle with body image issues or your weight, reaching out to a registered dietitian or a therapist specialising in body image and eating disorders might be helpful. They can provide professional guidance, support, and strategies to help you develop a healthier relationship with food, exercise, and your body.
Remember, you are more than a number on a scale or the opinions of others. Your appearance does not determine your worth, and taking care of your mental and physical health should be the priority.